Well here is week two for your reading enjoyment. Really was all over the place this week, not entirely sure if there is a rhythm or reason to it all. I do still feel like this journal is helping me to see some things more clearly but don’t feel like I had the same kind of breakthrough as last week. As always I can’t wait to hear your reactions to my post.
3/23 9:25 am
feeling grumpy but fairly balanced this morning. I’m not sure how much I have to give to much this morning but its early and there is still plenty of time to get it turned around today. Guess I can tell that it could either way today and I am trying to stay determined to keep it positive. Really feel like I got some good personal insight into myself last week and I really hope that I can do that again this week.
3/23 -3/24 8:51 am
still awake after a sleepless thoughtful night. Have gone through the gamut of emotions in the last twelve hours or so but at least feel like I’m getting a clearer picture of what I want from my life. I have felt this way before only to find myself lost again in no time so I am trying not to let myself get too happy about how I’m feeling because I know it could be over in a second. Feeling very frustrated with where I’m at today, still can hardly believe what a mess I’ve made of my life at this point. Going to try to suck it up and deal today. I get to see the kids later and they always make me feel more hopeful, makes me feel very thankful that I have them and their mom lets me spend so much time with them. Feeling like a mega anxiety attack is brewing, hoping I’ll be able to get through it ok if it comes.
3/26 8:56 am
Have been dealing with a bout of the flu that has put me flat on my back. I have not felt up to writing for the last couple days. I am doing ok other than that and hope to get back on schedule today. Really hope I will start to kick this bug.
3/26 10:16 pm
feeling crappy both physically and mentally. Think I was being paranoid about something earlier, really dislike that side of my nature. Really feeling both lonely and frustrated, wishing I knew what to do about it. I still have serious reservations of being in a relationship and do not really believe that there is anyone out there for me but do sometimes wish I had some companionship. I cannot help but realize that I often crave companionship while at the same time often wanting to be alone and being uncomfortable with closeness. The contradiction is quite confusing for me and I find myself unsure how to feel about it. Realizing I feel that way this time of night quite often, noticed the pattern but not sure what at all it might mean.
3/27 9:29 am
feel like shit this morning, still got the flu and my feelings of loneliness have only grown stronger. I am surprised by how strongly these feelings are effecting me lately because I went so long without caring about being alone. Really thought I had come to terms with the fact I will probably be alone the rest of my life. Think the confusion is coming from the fact that I have a close friend who my feelings for are somewhat stronger than just friendship. I do not think that she feels the same so I keep it to myself because I am tired of being rejected and because while I think I want to be with her I do not feel good enough to do so. I do wish that I could find a way to tell her just once, so I could get if off my chest and stop wondering if there is any chance of me getting what I believe I want. Have tried really hard to ignore these feelings for a while but find I can’t any longer, going to have to find a way to come to terms with this one soon in think.
3/27 11:15 am
find myself wondering if god chose me to carry this madness because he hates me, enjoying tormenting me like a boy with a bug and a magnifying glass. Then I wonder if maybe I am being forged in a fire like a tool for some purpose that I simply cannot yet see. I then find myself thinking I don’t give a fuck what the answer really is. I just want to know what it is like to feel sane for just one day of my life.
I feel so broken today. I feel like a monster a little too, some of the thoughts I am having regarding what I see as my problems, disturbing me. I do not know how to explain this without sounding crazy so i’m not going to try. I often find myself in my darkest hours thinking I could somehow remake my world in a more pleasing way by eliminating perceived threats and obstacles through any means necessary. I know in my heart that this is not the right approach but can’t help but find my mind seduced by the idea of giving in to the impulses, the false promise of peace of mind drawing me like a moth to a flame.
I have come to realize something about the demons that lurk in the back of my head waiting to ambush me, as much as they hurt it is also in those bleakest times that I have some of my most profound break throughs and best ideas. Gotta find a way to make friends with the monsters under the bed and get along with the voices in my head. The real question I keep asking myself over and over is am I a phsyco? My doctor says so, my teachers, friends, family, all have asked me more than once if I was crazy or what was wrong with me. I am terrified that I will only slip deeper into my illness as I age and that I might someday become a burden for my children or end up locked away some where with no clue who I even am. I feel like there is a clock ticking down on my sanity somewhere and I am running out of time.
3/27 9:16 pm
feeling very depressed tonight, find my thoughts all over the place. The lonely feelings are now gone, replaced with a sad acceptance of the fact that I was not built to be paired with another human. wish I had the words to describe how empty I feel right now. Very tired on an emotional level. going to try and call it an early night.
3/29 7:40 pm
Have had a busy few days after getting over the flu. Have definitively had some ups and downs but over all have been feeling good. Have been in a very thoughtful place lately feel like i’m seeing things really clearly in my head right now, really want to try and get the most out of it and try to be as productive as I can while this feeling lasts. Feeling very, very up right now, maybe even a little manic but I’m kind of enjoying it.
I hope I have once again given you a view of an ill mind and that if you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness, get some help! The fight is much easier when you are not doing it alone.
I just got done looking at the comments I received about my last blog post and have to say that I was really touched by a few of them. The remarks that affected me the most were the ones giving me credit for being brave to expose my life so openly. I will be the first to admit that it is a frightening proposition but for me the consequences of not find an outlet for my darker emotions is a far scarier scenario. I would also like to let the readers of my blog know that without you reading and responding the way you do I probably would have given up on this a while ago and would not have gained the coping tool this bog has increasingly become and I want to say Thank You to all of you!
I would also take just a moment to talk about something I was reminded of in a comment that is a good thing for everyone to remember. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the willingness to go on despite it. When I consider that phrase I am not sure whether I am brave for doing this or desperate but I don’t think it really matters in the end. I am increasingly feeling like this forum is becoming a positive way for me to talk about things that are difficult for me to in my daily life and if I accomplish nothing else that is still a good thing.
I would like to believe that I am giving you a fairly transparent view into my thoughts and the daily grind of mental illness. Some of the discussions I have had with people lately make me feel like I might be. I hope I am right, so some good for something beyond myself could come of this endeavor. The very idea of which helps to make the fear and pain of looking at myself so honestly to then share those thoughts with the world seem like something worthwhile.
I will continue my journal in hopes of finding peace within to make peace with the world and I hope you will continue to follow me as I do so. I am almost starting to feel like this is a war journal about a battle in my own mind and the good guys are winning, Lol! Like any war effort a battle cannot be without support and I would like to once again thank you for reading, commenting, and most of all caring.
If you are suffering with mental illness and you are not getting help remember, if you’ve already hit rock bottom then you really have nothing to lose! Call/talk to someone, go to a local ER if you have to, just don’t keep trying to do it alone!