Hello Readers, I know I have not posted anything for a while and for those of you who read and enjoy my posts I am sorry. A friend mentioned recently that they have missed them and asked me why I have not done one in a while. I had no idea anybody even noticed and motivated me to do one explaining why I haven’t done one. The answer is that I have thankfully been to busy living my life to spend a lot of time analyzing or writing about it. I find I don’t have nearly as much to talk about when things are going good and my friend asked me why I didn’t share that, causing me to ask my self the same question, leading me to the conclusion I should give it a try.
I have been managing my illness quite well you since you heard from me last with the process getting easier as I have learned to better deal with my mental health needs. I have also found that as I get better at something I have struggled with in the past or successfully do something I could not have before my confidence grows. As my confidence has grown I find myself doing better than I did last time and so on, a beautiful reverse of the old cycle of misery and despair I used to feel was my life. I can’t help but laugh at myself as I write this, the fact I have shared such dark thoughts on this blog and still find I’m still a little uncomfortable sharing my positive thoughts and emotions.
I am still writing when I have time, think I am onto what could prove to be my best work too. I am excited and when I have something ready I’ll post a sample for you to check out. I am finding that as I have seen and heard more people talking about their own mental illness I do not really feel the need to do so and have been focusing my energies on good stories and trying to build my nuisance wildlife management business. I can truly say that I am living as mentally and emotionally well as a man with my condition can, making me very proud of all of the hard work I have had to do to get to this point and motivating me to try and take it to the next level.
I would like to make clear before I sign off that I am speaking of a life in balance with focus now and not a manic state prone to come and go. I remain mindful of the fact I am mentally ill but it is an aspect of my life not the sum. I will always be aware of my own shortcomings but I will not make them the focus of my life, time, or energy but I will make improving myself and doing whatever I can to mitigate the effects those flaws have on my life one of my number one priorities. As those of you that know me personally are for the most part aware of I have been through and seen some of the darker, dirtier sides of life and I am both proud of my self and grateful to the people who have helped me along the way to be able to say that I not only survived all that but managed to come out on the other side a better, stronger man.
I hope for my readers who are themselves struggling with mental issues that if a man who even the people who loved one once saw as a lost cause is capable of such a reversal of fortunes than there is hope for you yet. I would caution that it is a painful and difficult process. It will involve taking a hard honest look at yourself and accepting, in some cases even embracing sides of your own make up you do not like. It will take an amount of effort you have probably never put into anything in your life and I warn you will have to want it more in one day than anything you have desired all the days of your life. I will also say that the quality of life you will find even in the struggle will prove to be worth all the pain and self evaluation, or is was for me at least.
To everybody who reads this just because they care about me and what is going on in my life. Thank you, I love you and I am doing better than I have in many years. I would also like to let you know that whether it be your concern, support, or in some cases the lessons, those of you that have continued to believe in me are a huge reason for my turn around and I hope you all feel some sense of pride as I continue to make strides in my life. I find I feel very much like an athlete who receives a personal award but knows in his heart it was a team effort and I feel both humbled and empowered to know how many people out their in the world have a genuine concern for me, again thank you more than I posses the word to say. (Which we all now I suck at talking about my feelings out loud anyway)
I would like to send a message to anyone who might be reading this because they are one of my doubters, critics, or detractors, kiss my ass and thank you for the motivation. I would like you to know that your hate, envy, and pettiness drives me to evolve beyond your small mindedness. I have come to enjoy your sour, just ate a spoonful of shit, judgment filled looks quite a bit. If you will please continue to be jealous and resentment filled I would appreciate it, still have a lot of work to do and I get tired sometimes. If you could also tell some of your hater friends about me that would be great!
I hope I got something in there for everyone, will try and post something a little more often. If you or someone you love is struggling with mental illness, take the first step and talk to a professional. Thank you for reading!
Well here is week two for your reading enjoyment. Really was all over the place this week, not entirely sure if there is a rhythm or reason to it all. I do still feel like this journal is helping me to see some things more clearly but don’t feel like I had the same kind of breakthrough as last week. As always I can’t wait to hear your reactions to my post.
3/23 9:25 am
feeling grumpy but fairly balanced this morning. I’m not sure how much I have to give to much this morning but its early and there is still plenty of time to get it turned around today. Guess I can tell that it could either way today and I am trying to stay determined to keep it positive. Really feel like I got some good personal insight into myself last week and I really hope that I can do that again this week.
3/23 -3/24 8:51 am
still awake after a sleepless thoughtful night. Have gone through the gamut of emotions in the last twelve hours or so but at least feel like I’m getting a clearer picture of what I want from my life. I have felt this way before only to find myself lost again in no time so I am trying not to let myself get too happy about how I’m feeling because I know it could be over in a second. Feeling very frustrated with where I’m at today, still can hardly believe what a mess I’ve made of my life at this point. Going to try to suck it up and deal today. I get to see the kids later and they always make me feel more hopeful, makes me feel very thankful that I have them and their mom lets me spend so much time with them. Feeling like a mega anxiety attack is brewing, hoping I’ll be able to get through it ok if it comes.
3/26 8:56 am
Have been dealing with a bout of the flu that has put me flat on my back. I have not felt up to writing for the last couple days. I am doing ok other than that and hope to get back on schedule today. Really hope I will start to kick this bug.
3/26 10:16 pm
feeling crappy both physically and mentally. Think I was being paranoid about something earlier, really dislike that side of my nature. Really feeling both lonely and frustrated, wishing I knew what to do about it. I still have serious reservations of being in a relationship and do not really believe that there is anyone out there for me but do sometimes wish I had some companionship. I cannot help but realize that I often crave companionship while at the same time often wanting to be alone and being uncomfortable with closeness. The contradiction is quite confusing for me and I find myself unsure how to feel about it. Realizing I feel that way this time of night quite often, noticed the pattern but not sure what at all it might mean.
3/27 9:29 am
feel like shit this morning, still got the flu and my feelings of loneliness have only grown stronger. I am surprised by how strongly these feelings are effecting me lately because I went so long without caring about being alone. Really thought I had come to terms with the fact I will probably be alone the rest of my life. Think the confusion is coming from the fact that I have a close friend who my feelings for are somewhat stronger than just friendship. I do not think that she feels the same so I keep it to myself because I am tired of being rejected and because while I think I want to be with her I do not feel good enough to do so. I do wish that I could find a way to tell her just once, so I could get if off my chest and stop wondering if there is any chance of me getting what I believe I want. Have tried really hard to ignore these feelings for a while but find I can’t any longer, going to have to find a way to come to terms with this one soon in think.
3/27 11:15 am
find myself wondering if god chose me to carry this madness because he hates me, enjoying tormenting me like a boy with a bug and a magnifying glass. Then I wonder if maybe I am being forged in a fire like a tool for some purpose that I simply cannot yet see. I then find myself thinking I don’t give a fuck what the answer really is. I just want to know what it is like to feel sane for just one day of my life.
I feel so broken today. I feel like a monster a little too, some of the thoughts I am having regarding what I see as my problems, disturbing me. I do not know how to explain this without sounding crazy so i’m not going to try. I often find myself in my darkest hours thinking I could somehow remake my world in a more pleasing way by eliminating perceived threats and obstacles through any means necessary. I know in my heart that this is not the right approach but can’t help but find my mind seduced by the idea of giving in to the impulses, the false promise of peace of mind drawing me like a moth to a flame.
I have come to realize something about the demons that lurk in the back of my head waiting to ambush me, as much as they hurt it is also in those bleakest times that I have some of my most profound break throughs and best ideas. Gotta find a way to make friends with the monsters under the bed and get along with the voices in my head. The real question I keep asking myself over and over is am I a phsyco? My doctor says so, my teachers, friends, family, all have asked me more than once if I was crazy or what was wrong with me. I am terrified that I will only slip deeper into my illness as I age and that I might someday become a burden for my children or end up locked away some where with no clue who I even am. I feel like there is a clock ticking down on my sanity somewhere and I am running out of time.
3/27 9:16 pm
feeling very depressed tonight, find my thoughts all over the place. The lonely feelings are now gone, replaced with a sad acceptance of the fact that I was not built to be paired with another human. wish I had the words to describe how empty I feel right now. Very tired on an emotional level. going to try and call it an early night.
3/29 7:40 pm
Have had a busy few days after getting over the flu. Have definitively had some ups and downs but over all have been feeling good. Have been in a very thoughtful place lately feel like i’m seeing things really clearly in my head right now, really want to try and get the most out of it and try to be as productive as I can while this feeling lasts. Feeling very, very up right now, maybe even a little manic but I’m kind of enjoying it.
I hope I have once again given you a view of an ill mind and that if you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness, get some help! The fight is much easier when you are not doing it alone.
I just got done looking at the comments I received about my last blog post and have to say that I was really touched by a few of them. The remarks that affected me the most were the ones giving me credit for being brave to expose my life so openly. I will be the first to admit that it is a frightening proposition but for me the consequences of not find an outlet for my darker emotions is a far scarier scenario. I would also like to let the readers of my blog know that without you reading and responding the way you do I probably would have given up on this a while ago and would not have gained the coping tool this bog has increasingly become and I want to say Thank You to all of you!
I would also take just a moment to talk about something I was reminded of in a comment that is a good thing for everyone to remember. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the willingness to go on despite it. When I consider that phrase I am not sure whether I am brave for doing this or desperate but I don’t think it really matters in the end. I am increasingly feeling like this forum is becoming a positive way for me to talk about things that are difficult for me to in my daily life and if I accomplish nothing else that is still a good thing.
I would like to believe that I am giving you a fairly transparent view into my thoughts and the daily grind of mental illness. Some of the discussions I have had with people lately make me feel like I might be. I hope I am right, so some good for something beyond myself could come of this endeavor. The very idea of which helps to make the fear and pain of looking at myself so honestly to then share those thoughts with the world seem like something worthwhile.
I will continue my journal in hopes of finding peace within to make peace with the world and I hope you will continue to follow me as I do so. I am almost starting to feel like this is a war journal about a battle in my own mind and the good guys are winning, Lol! Like any war effort a battle cannot be without support and I would like to once again thank you for reading, commenting, and most of all caring.
If you are suffering with mental illness and you are not getting help remember, if you’ve already hit rock bottom then you really have nothing to lose! Call/talk to someone, go to a local ER if you have to, just don’t keep trying to do it alone!
I know that many of you have read my recent post, Standing On the Edge and Lights In the Darkness, again thank you for your words of compassion and encouragement. I also have the first installment of my journal that I would like to share. I find myself growing increasingly nervous about publishing it. I find I am getting more comfortable sharing my inner thoughts on this forum but am still a little uncomfortable when people I see regularly ask me about this blog. I do think that it will get better with time and I find the act of talking about my illness and the things I share on here are helping me to embrace my strengths and accept my weaknesses.
I still hope to for my blog to be a window into mental illness for my readers but am finding this project is increasingly becoming about me identifying and eliminating the things in my life that trigger my episodes. I am finding that I need to be far more disciplined than I have been in the past. I am finding it difficult to make some of the changes but am finding others happening on their own. I do think that writing about how I’m feeling is helping me be more mindful and I am hopeful that I can continue to learn more about myself through this process.
I really had to resist the urge to go behind myself and edit my entries but have decided they should be shared raw. I made this decision because I do not want to paint an overly light or dark picture of what I go through in my daily life. It is easy for a person in my position to have an all or nothing mindset regarding their mental health and I want to avoid that trap in order to paint as clear and precise a picture for my readers as possible. I really hope that you will find this as informative as I have and that after reading this you will have a clearer picture of mental illness.
3/16 9:52 am
feeling a little emotional today. I think it is because I have not taken meds in a couple days because I drank entirely to much Saturday night. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to stop drinking. I no longer feel like I can do so in a safe manner. Really hoping I can find some way to feel more positive today. I do get to see the kids later though, so if I can hold it together till then I know they will cheer me up, they always do.
3/16 10:20 pm
found myself cycling through the range of emotions most of the afternoon but did not feel overwhelmed by them thank god. The day did get better once I went to see the kids and had some company, learning that being alone too much is not good for me despite my desire to be alone at times. Finding that I am a little worried about that fact going forward not sure how I am going to be able to live alone at some point if I cannot get a handle on that particular issue. Already finding myself more thoughtful about my state of mind knowing I am going to need to do a journal entry, hoping that the trend will continue. Going to be a good boy and take my pill tonight hope tomorrow is a little better than today but know I can live with it if its not.
3/17 9:37 am
not feeling to bad this morning, just a little groggy from meds. confident that I can cope today, hope I am right. Gonna try to get to the bmv and get a new ID, figure doing something productive will help me keep me positive today. I get to see the kids again today too, so today at least I feel like I have a good chance to enjoy it which is cool because I have not had a really good day in a few weeks.
3/17 9:24 pm
managed to get my Id renewed, glad I got it done. The rest of my day went pretty well had a couple moments but over all turned out to be a good day. Hope I can repeat it tomorrow.
3/18 9:42 am
feeling ok this morning a little sad though I”m not entirely sure why. Find myself questioning some of my relationships and what i want them to be compared to what they are, a little confusing to be honest. feeling very vulnerable this morning think i”m gonna lay low and try to gather my thoughts, hope I can figure out how i”m feeling without having to embrace the dark side today.
3/18 8:31 pm
felt kinda angry through the afternoon not really sure why. got better as the day went on. was looking at statistics for my blog and found that it has been viewed in six countries at this point think that’s pretty cool, also am starting to get more views and likes all the time makes me feel like my writing is getting better. feeling hopeful right now that and grateful to be alive with a chance to improve my life hope I still feel like this when I wake up in the morning want to get an application in tomorrow.
3/19 9:24 am
feeling crappy this morning, more grumpy than anything not really in the mood to screw with this.
3/19 9:51 pm
Big Homie got ahold of me today, everything was cool from there. I think I had just enough to do to keep me busy and got to have some interesting conversations. Overall I would have to say today turned out pretty good. gonna try to get that app in tomorrow.
3/20 10:00 am
feeling pretty good this morning, a little pill hangover. Can feel the negative lurking on the peripheral of my mind but feel like as long as I stay positive it will be ok. Have had some of my readers ask me about my blog in person, finding that as I get more comfortable talking about that it doesn’t bother me as much to live it, think the fact I feel like I using the negative for positive is helping. going to try and keep things positive today, we’ll see how it goes.
had an ok day for the most part, ended up feeling really lonely by the time I went to bed. Think I will continue to feel lonely at times as long as I do not have companionship, could be a long time too I have a feeling. I guess i’ll say today was ok and see if tomorrow will be better.
3/21 8:53 am
feeling kinda low this morning, think my lonely vibe from last night stuck around. Leaves me really wishing I was better at the close personal relationship thing. I even have a women in mind that I think could be good for me but can’t seem to start the discussion or even figure out whether there really is potential in that direction or not. Finding myself being confused like this makes me feel very damaged and frustrated. Definitely one of those things that makes me wonder if the same things that go through everyone’s mind when it comes to romance are as all over the place as the things that go through mine. Know I won’t find the answers to that question today but will be keeping my eyes open for a solution. Get to see the kids later, really happy about that, life just doesn’t seem as bad when they are around. I guess I know the lonely thing will probably take care of itself eventually just hope I can make better decisions in that regard than I have in the past. Not sure why I’m so in my head this morning but have a feeling it is going to be a thoughtful day, hopefully I can keep a positive outlook as I find myself lost in thought searching for a way forward.
3/21 11:00 pm
normal lonely feelings starting to think they are just my night time companion. nothing else to share really.
3/22 9:45 am
feeling crappy this morning, no reason I can think of. Hope I get to see a friend of mine today but not holding my breath. Wish I could put my finger on why I seem to wake up grumpy, wonder if its because I wake up alone every morning but can’t say for sure. I can never rule out the fact I might just be being a psycho and my feelings are just random chemical releases made by my bleeped up brain. I hate the fact that I can never truly trust my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I also have to accept that psychosis is a part of my life and I will always have to be careful to be on the look out for irrational thoughts and feelings. I find myself resentful of my illness this morning, coming to believe the bitterness toward my sickness is just going to be a another part of life to manage. Find myself wondering what it is like to be one of the normal people, think it would be boring sometimes but still don’t think I would mind giving it a try. Definitely can tell I will have to mindful as I go through my day, can tell it could turn bad on me if I don’t.
3/22 11:00 pm
Day did not turn out too bad. Feeling very lonely but optimistic about the future because I feel like as long as I keep trying to improve my life it will have to get better. Been thinking about the normal people comment from this morning and realized it just can’t happen and that I need to get really good at being crazy. I mean good at it as in functional despite the crazy not that I want to just be bat shit crazy in my daily life. This journal has given a lot to think about next week and I hope it has the same effect on me next week that it did this one.
Well, there is week one of my planned year long journal. I hope I have given a glimpse into my world. I look forward to your feed back and sincerely hope I have accomplished my goal of showing you what a week in my head is like. As always thank you for reading and if you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, speak up, speak out, get help!