Bipolar Journal week 3

Dear Readers,

Welcome back for week three, hope you have found what you have read so far interesting. I am glad to have a pretty good week to share, it is important to show those days too. I really feel like I’m learning a lot about myself and my illness. I feel like things are improving and that as long as I continue to work at this it will still get better.

3/30 8:16 am

feeling like a ball of electricity is contained in my chest cavity this morning. I know I will have to be wary of anxiety attacks and overly emotional responses today. Hope I can still manage to be productive.

3/30 12:39 am

Had a good day got some stuff done. Spent some time with the kidlums, had fun as always. Feeling good as I get ready for bed, hopefully I can repeat this tomorrow.

3/31 8:36 am

Feeling pretty good this morning. Do feel a little anxiety but have been doing a pretty good job of shaking that shit off lately so i’m not too worried, just need to find something to focus the excess energy on. Have come to the conclusion that I have been being quite deluded when it comes to my thoughts on romance. I have realized the person whom I questioned my feelings for clearly had no doubt themselves about how they feel about  me and it is obvious it is not going to fit with my idea at all. At this point just hope that person realizes how hard it is for me to care about people and how special the fact I do makes them to me. Feeling a little hopeful this morning, not that things will be great or even good but I will be able to deal with them.

4/1 9:15 am

Feeling good this morning. Have been doing some research on my condition and meds feel like I”m figuring out some things that will help me going forward. Have felt my view of the situation changing to a more positive one. I will no longer view my times of distress as madness but view them as sparks of inspiration for in these dark moments I have my greatest thoughts. I will not view my illness as a curse or disease but see it as communications from the universe. When the voices in my head are having a bad day I will not argue with them, instead I will cheer them up so that we can live together happily. I am finally ready to accept myself for who I truly am without fear of stigma or judgment. I no longer care if the world thinks I’m crazy or who thinks something is wrong with me. I will embrace myself and the life I have been given accepting that I am human as we all are, as such there will always be struggles and I will have short comings. I will work to over come those short comings until the day I no longer draw breath which is really all any man or women can do.

4/4 10:18 am

Have been busy and feeling good for the last few days. Starting to feel like I am getting a handle on things for the first time in a long time, really enjoying it. Still have some moments but feel confident I can deal with them because I know what is happening now. Feeling ready to take things to the next level and really start getting functional. I know that as I go forward I will be tested but the gains are worth the pains and I still hope to make something worthwhile out of this crazy thing called life so I have no choice but to deal with it.

4/5 9:05 am

Feeling the minions of darkness scurrying around the edges of my mind this morning, can tell I will need to be mindful as I go through my day. Still feeling optimistic though, feel like my ability to deal with the rough spots is growing. Think changing the way I look at my illness has been the biggest factor in my improved mood lately. I think by looking at it as something I have to find a way to live with, kind of like an annoying roommate, rather than a monster that needs to be slain is helping to make me feel like this is something that I can learn to live with successfully. I think this journal is helping as well, one giving me an outlet for my difficulties, two helps me identify patterns to better manage my days, and three helps to show me that it is not all gloom and doom. It is an easy trap to fall into, becoming so focused on the bad you don’t recognize the good, being able to look back on my week and say Tuesday was good helps me deal on Thursday when things get rough.

4/5 10:01 pm

Had a challenging day on an emotional level, thankfully was up to the challenge today. I also got a bit of a wake up call that made even more clear to me how important it is for me to continue my growth and to do whatever I have to do to create a stable sustainable life for myself. I need to do this for myself and my kids, they deserve a better man than I have been thus far and I am feeling a burning urgency to do more to contribute to their lives. I know that somewhere in the back of my mind at least I will continue fear I may lose my mind. I also know that giving in to fear has never been my way and that I will not accept any outcome that does not leave me content.

Its funny I how it always seems like there is not as much to say when things are good. I hope you still got something from it and thank you for taking the time to read it either way. As always if you or someone you know is suffering with mental illness find help, it worth it.

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