Standing On the Edge

I feel like I am standing on the edge of  cliff where the slightest breeze will push me over the edge. I do not want to be standing here but I can never seem to find the path back down from the heights no matter how hard I try. I look back on my life to try see where I went wrong but find that I can’t figure out when it was ever right. I have believed more than once I had found the path, only to be staring at oblivion once more.

I talk to god and scour my soul to try and find what is missing, to discover why even the simplest of parts of normal human life escape me but I get silence in return. I have tried to be like the sane people I see but no matter how hard I try to pretend I’m ok in the end I am not well no matter how much I would like to be. I know that many of the people in my life do not understand why I, “Don’t get it”, or, “Can’t figure it out”, the sad part being I don’t know either. I don’t even know why the people that love me do, their continued affection confuses, astounds, and amazes me.

I struggle every day just to not want to die and I am getting so sick of feeling like a nut case but I know that there is no pill, surgery, or person who can save me from myself and I am afraid that I am not strong enough to continue the fight. I don’t know how much longer I can fight the darkness or deal with the pain. I’m so tired and so lonely but utterly incapable of a truly intimate relationship, how could I be when I cannot be close to myself. I am now living in a world of doubt and confusion, a dark world where love and hope are extinct.

I try to cling to the lifeboat that is hope but can’t shake the feeling we are taking on water. I try to convince myself I have one more round in me but am less confident everyday. I want to believe, in life, love, and hope but see so little of the trio I hardly no what they look like. I try to tell myself it will get better, but when? I find myself asking as the days turn to weeks to months and then years.

I am sorry to all of the people I have disappointed and let down in life, the shame of that crushes me almost daily. I wish with all my heart I was a better father, son, friend, person even while I fear that I may not even be as good a person as I think I am.  I feel so broken and damaged that I don’t see why anyone cares or why you even read what I write. I try to tell myself that no one is worthless and we all have a purpose but thus far have found a world full of rejection in which I feel I have no place.

I wrote this today in hopes of purging my horrible feelings and finding a way to go on for one more day. I will do the same tomorrow and every day that the universe sees fit to leave me in this purgatory but find myself unable to shake the feeling that there is something in the shadows I can’t see waiting to end my life. I never thought I would live this long. I figured that during one of my episodes someone or something would send me onto the next world but here I sit though I have no idea why.

I wish no one knew how I felt and as tempting as it is to give into that kind of thinking, I know I am not the only one! I have to remind myself of that all the time though in my darkest hours it is small comfort. I wish that I could talk about my feelings like other people but find when I try the words just won’t come out, so I write my pain in hopes of expelling the darkness. I hope that by sharing my misery I might help someone to see they are not alone and to make people see how much it hurts to try and cope with challenges of mental illness.

To the people who do care , thank you , your wiliness to love me even though I cannot is one the few things that helps me to hold on. I will continue to fight for as long as I am able because I do not want your affections or assistance to be wasted. I will do whatever I am capable of to live not for myself but because I cannot in good conscience give up as long as there is still at least one person who still believes in me. I must continue the fight for as long as I am able because that is who I am.

To all of the people who have gone out of their to judge me , reject me or otherwise shit on me. Eat a dick! I hope you burn in hell!

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