Welcome back for week three, hope you have found what you have read so far interesting. I am glad to have a pretty good week to share, it is important to show those days too. I really feel like I’m learning a lot about myself and my illness. I feel like things are improving and that as long as I continue to work at this it will still get better.
3/30 8:16 am
feeling like a ball of electricity is contained in my chest cavity this morning. I know I will have to be wary of anxiety attacks and overly emotional responses today. Hope I can still manage to be productive.
3/30 12:39 am
Had a good day got some stuff done. Spent some time with the kidlums, had fun as always. Feeling good as I get ready for bed, hopefully I can repeat this tomorrow.
3/31 8:36 am
Feeling pretty good this morning. Do feel a little anxiety but have been doing a pretty good job of shaking that shit off lately so i’m not too worried, just need to find something to focus the excess energy on. Have come to the conclusion that I have been being quite deluded when it comes to my thoughts on romance. I have realized the person whom I questioned my feelings for clearly had no doubt themselves about how they feel about me and it is obvious it is not going to fit with my idea at all. At this point just hope that person realizes how hard it is for me to care about people and how special the fact I do makes them to me. Feeling a little hopeful this morning, not that things will be great or even good but I will be able to deal with them.
4/1 9:15 am
Feeling good this morning. Have been doing some research on my condition and meds feel like I”m figuring out some things that will help me going forward. Have felt my view of the situation changing to a more positive one. I will no longer view my times of distress as madness but view them as sparks of inspiration for in these dark moments I have my greatest thoughts. I will not view my illness as a curse or disease but see it as communications from the universe. When the voices in my head are having a bad day I will not argue with them, instead I will cheer them up so that we can live together happily. I am finally ready to accept myself for who I truly am without fear of stigma or judgment. I no longer care if the world thinks I’m crazy or who thinks something is wrong with me. I will embrace myself and the life I have been given accepting that I am human as we all are, as such there will always be struggles and I will have short comings. I will work to over come those short comings until the day I no longer draw breath which is really all any man or women can do.
4/4 10:18 am
Have been busy and feeling good for the last few days. Starting to feel like I am getting a handle on things for the first time in a long time, really enjoying it. Still have some moments but feel confident I can deal with them because I know what is happening now. Feeling ready to take things to the next level and really start getting functional. I know that as I go forward I will be tested but the gains are worth the pains and I still hope to make something worthwhile out of this crazy thing called life so I have no choice but to deal with it.
4/5 9:05 am
Feeling the minions of darkness scurrying around the edges of my mind this morning, can tell I will need to be mindful as I go through my day. Still feeling optimistic though, feel like my ability to deal with the rough spots is growing. Think changing the way I look at my illness has been the biggest factor in my improved mood lately. I think by looking at it as something I have to find a way to live with, kind of like an annoying roommate, rather than a monster that needs to be slain is helping to make me feel like this is something that I can learn to live with successfully. I think this journal is helping as well, one giving me an outlet for my difficulties, two helps me identify patterns to better manage my days, and three helps to show me that it is not all gloom and doom. It is an easy trap to fall into, becoming so focused on the bad you don’t recognize the good, being able to look back on my week and say Tuesday was good helps me deal on Thursday when things get rough.
4/5 10:01 pm
Had a challenging day on an emotional level, thankfully was up to the challenge today. I also got a bit of a wake up call that made even more clear to me how important it is for me to continue my growth and to do whatever I have to do to create a stable sustainable life for myself. I need to do this for myself and my kids, they deserve a better man than I have been thus far and I am feeling a burning urgency to do more to contribute to their lives. I know that somewhere in the back of my mind at least I will continue fear I may lose my mind. I also know that giving in to fear has never been my way and that I will not accept any outcome that does not leave me content.
Its funny I how it always seems like there is not as much to say when things are good. I hope you still got something from it and thank you for taking the time to read it either way. As always if you or someone you know is suffering with mental illness find help, it worth it.
I would first like to take a moment to say thank you to everyone for their words of encouragement and concern regarding my last post. I found my self in a very bad place that day and your comments were like a ray of light in the darkness. I also found that the process of writing that post and getting the negative feelings out was therapeutic for me. I have really been struggling the last few weeks, forcing me to realize that I have to find a more positive way to process and deal with my negative feelings, especially when I cannot put my finger on why I”m even upset.
I feel like I’m just treading water lately a fact that has been frustrating me to no end. I just want to learn how to be a functional human being and no matter how hard I try I seem to come up short. I have spent countless days and hours trying to figure out why I am so damaged and to fix it but seem to always end up back at square one. You would think it would be simple, taking care of oneself being in my own best interest but still I struggle to even accomplish the most basic tasks.
As I have continued to battle my own nature and become comfortable enough to talk about my struggles I have begun to feel that maybe that is why I was given this burden to carry. I know that I want the people I love to understand that I do not mean or want to be a head case and I would imagine most mentally ill people do but none of us wants to be the one to explain it to those same people. Doctors and books can only explain so much I realized, at some point someone on my side of the issue has to be the one step up and share the every day battle of living with mental illness.
As a result I have decided to start posting a weekly journal about how I’m feeling each day. I hope to give my readers a real look at the highs and lows that I experience on a daily sometimes hourly basis. I also hope that this project will help me to track the ups and downs in hopes of finding patterns I may be able to use to better manage my life. I plan on starting today with the plan to publish the first post Sunday.
I will forward to your comments and feedback as I go and once again thank you for reading!
I feel like I am standing on the edge of cliff where the slightest breeze will push me over the edge. I do not want to be standing here but I can never seem to find the path back down from the heights no matter how hard I try. I look back on my life to try see where I went wrong but find that I can’t figure out when it was ever right. I have believed more than once I had found the path, only to be staring at oblivion once more.
I talk to god and scour my soul to try and find what is missing, to discover why even the simplest of parts of normal human life escape me but I get silence in return. I have tried to be like the sane people I see but no matter how hard I try to pretend I’m ok in the end I am not well no matter how much I would like to be. I know that many of the people in my life do not understand why I, “Don’t get it”, or, “Can’t figure it out”, the sad part being I don’t know either. I don’t even know why the people that love me do, their continued affection confuses, astounds, and amazes me.
I struggle every day just to not want to die and I am getting so sick of feeling like a nut case but I know that there is no pill, surgery, or person who can save me from myself and I am afraid that I am not strong enough to continue the fight. I don’t know how much longer I can fight the darkness or deal with the pain. I’m so tired and so lonely but utterly incapable of a truly intimate relationship, how could I be when I cannot be close to myself. I am now living in a world of doubt and confusion, a dark world where love and hope are extinct.
I try to cling to the lifeboat that is hope but can’t shake the feeling we are taking on water. I try to convince myself I have one more round in me but am less confident everyday. I want to believe, in life, love, and hope but see so little of the trio I hardly no what they look like. I try to tell myself it will get better, but when? I find myself asking as the days turn to weeks to months and then years.
I am sorry to all of the people I have disappointed and let down in life, the shame of that crushes me almost daily. I wish with all my heart I was a better father, son, friend, person even while I fear that I may not even be as good a person as I think I am. I feel so broken and damaged that I don’t see why anyone cares or why you even read what I write. I try to tell myself that no one is worthless and we all have a purpose but thus far have found a world full of rejection in which I feel I have no place.
I wrote this today in hopes of purging my horrible feelings and finding a way to go on for one more day. I will do the same tomorrow and every day that the universe sees fit to leave me in this purgatory but find myself unable to shake the feeling that there is something in the shadows I can’t see waiting to end my life. I never thought I would live this long. I figured that during one of my episodes someone or something would send me onto the next world but here I sit though I have no idea why.
I wish no one knew how I felt and as tempting as it is to give into that kind of thinking, I know I am not the only one! I have to remind myself of that all the time though in my darkest hours it is small comfort. I wish that I could talk about my feelings like other people but find when I try the words just won’t come out, so I write my pain in hopes of expelling the darkness. I hope that by sharing my misery I might help someone to see they are not alone and to make people see how much it hurts to try and cope with challenges of mental illness.
To the people who do care , thank you , your wiliness to love me even though I cannot is one the few things that helps me to hold on. I will continue to fight for as long as I am able because I do not want your affections or assistance to be wasted. I will do whatever I am capable of to live not for myself but because I cannot in good conscience give up as long as there is still at least one person who still believes in me. I must continue the fight for as long as I am able because that is who I am.
To all of the people who have gone out of their to judge me , reject me or otherwise shit on me. Eat a dick! I hope you burn in hell!